Questionable Rants and Raves

Really?

  Even I'm offended......I will be back with more, but work is kicking my ass right now.  I have a many things to discuss.

Could the Sox be destined for greatness?

I know its a little early for me to start running my mouth about my Sox, but maybe just maybe this maybe the year for the good guys on the south side.  Gavin Floyd almost pitched a no hitter last night for the Sox.  Yeah thats right a no hitter.  This is the second time in a month Floyd has flirted with a no-hitter.  Of course Joe Mauer of the "Terrible Twins" had to ruin it by hitting a double into the gap- BOO!!!!
I know its a little early in the game, but the Sox look good and with Detroit  starting out in the toilet things are suddenly sunny on the south side of  Chicago. 
That being said Uncle Jerry (Reinsdorf) needs to do something about manager Ozzie Guillen.  Guillen is a loser, who has no problem going into an f-bomb fueled tirade anytime somebody is critical of his team or management decisions.  FYI I never liked Guillen when he was a player.  I was so happy when he went to the Braves and there was even a part of me that was happy when he broke his leg.  In short I think Ozzie Guillen is the world's biggest ASSHOLE.  But, that is just my opinion. 
Baseball is a simple game which over the last decade has become such a shit show that there are days when I can't even watch.  You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball and sometimes it rains.  There is no room in my game for the likes of a clown like Guillen.  The city of Chicago should be thrilled to have 2 winning baseball teams.  Especially with a kid like Gavin Floyd playing in the City of Big Shoulders how can you not be thrilled?  Instead, it can only dwell on the foul mouthed antics of an imbecile who doesn't speak for all of White Sox nation. 

Ozzie Guillen is the reason why the Cubs are easy to love and the Sox are easy to hate.  I beg you Uncle Jerry make a change. 

***Watch Mauer's double here.

Game Day Face

This is Reece the youngest of my boss' 2 boys.  Apparently this is his face after winning the game.  I just love the intensity of it.  Kid looks mean-I like that.
Reece "the beast" is 10.  I think he might be my hero.  I'm just waiting for him to yell at me to rub some dirt in it and get back in the game!WORD!

March Madness

This is the best time of the year.  St. Patrick's Day and March Madness.  March Madness kicks off Thursday.  I've already filled out 5 brackets for 5 different pools.  Its a sickness people, what can I say.  I can't wait to see BUCKY on TV.  I'm secretly hoping for a Wisconsin/Memphis final....

GO BADGERS

George Lucas would be proud

This kid has skillz.  This masterpiece was whipped up by LIBBY, AE's kid.  AE tells me that LIBBY is currently obsessed with any and all things Star Wars.  I guess this obsession extends to "Show and Tell".  Not sure if its called "Show and Tell" at that hippie, high on life school she goes to.  LIBBY opted to bring her Darth Vader mask to show the class.  FANTASTIC.   

I like how it touches on all elements pertaining to Star Wars.  You have R2D2, C3PO, Vader, the Death Star, and I think the Millenium Falcon.  The only thing its missing is a Wookie.  Any day now I'm hoping to get her take on Empire Strikes Back in the mail.  I can't wait to see her take on YODA.

*Apparently it was the neighbor boy's birthday and this is the card she made for him.

There is a video that goes with this, but I can't figure out how to put it in.  Maybe LIBBY knows.  If I figure it out I will add it.  In it LIBBY plays the theme while her younger sister JACKIE yells "Play it LIBBY.  Play it.  That was amazing."-no joke I nearly fell out of my chair at work while watching it.

 

UPDATE:  AE tells me there was more on the back....LIBBY was sending coded messages I guess. 

I actually might cry....

ESPN announced yesterday that Brett Favre is calling it quits.   Man, this dude has rained on my parade and made my day over the years.  I've seen him demolish my BEARS and I've seen him get demolished by my BEARS.  Favre is a true gunslinger.  I've never seen a QB make plays out of nothing the way he did.  I've loved him and I've hated him at the same time.  It's a sad day for the NFL and sad day for Packer Nation.  A great QB is hangin' up his spurs as a nation of green and gold mourn.  I actually teared up when I saw it on ESPN.  I almost feel compelled to buy a Favre jersey and wear it when he gets inducted in Canton on the first try.  Thank you Brett Favre for 17 years of fantastic football in the NFC North.  Lambeau field will never be the same.

*I wonder if this is how Baltimore felt when Johnny Unitas called it quits?

This thing hits Iran $100 crude oil is nothing...

Reuters said yesterday the  US Navy planned on shooting a dead spy satellite out of the sky-FANTASTIC. I guess this thing runs on toxic rocket fuel- EVEN BETTER.

The idea of the US shooting this bad mother down has everyone up in arms.  China is pissed.  Big deal- just keep on stock piling commodities and cleaning up your air and human rights issues ahead of the Beijing games.  I keep hoping that this thing hits Iran and the oil market goes ape shit- I LOVE DESTRUCTION.  Nothing makes for a better market than world upheaval and destruction.  I know I'm sick.   

******************************************************************

Update:  According to the NY Times the dead satellite has been hit and on its way back to earth.   The Navy is 80% sure it hit the fuel tank.  80% sure?  I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering they can't find Bin Laden.  How hard can it be to find a man with a dialysis machine attached to him in Afghanistan?  That's a post for another time.  Sources say that debris from the blast should be entering the Earth's atmosphere over the next couple of days.  AWESOME!  I hope a piece lands on my street in Brooklyn.  No one would notice trust me.

B-O-O H-O-O Hank

The clown on the left is Hank Steinbrenner.  Steinbrenner is the Senior VP for the Yankees.  I guess Hank feels that baseball is being singled out for its problems with steroids.  Hanko feels that the real bad guy in all of this is the NFL.  Interesting considering the NFL has been testing for steroids since 1990.  What has MLB been doing?  NOTHING...NADA ....ZILCH.  Instead they let idiot fucks like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds continue to fill stadiums and chase stupid self serving records all while putting money in the owners pockets.  LOTS OF MONEY.  Baseball needs to get it's shit together and take good long look at what the game used to be and what it's become.  As for Hank, he needs to take a good long look at what's going on in his own clubhouse before he starts pointing fingers.  If I'm not mistaken there are more than 3 past/present Yankees named in the Mitchell Report.  This guy should thank his lucky stars his Daddy is KING GEORGE or else he'd be working for the NYC Sanitation Dept.  Look at him-he has garbage man written all over him.

Back from Hiatus

I've returned from my much needed hiatus.  Duke & Duke and I parted ways the week before Christmas.  Thank you Santa for the best present ever!  I hated them, they were beginning to hate me-you get the picture.  When that all went down I decided to take a break from the world.  I quit watching TV and stopped blogging.  It was a good move on my part I recharged my battery and I'm back in action.  I promise 2008 will be action packed with more sports, music, and just general nonsense on my part.  So, sit back relax and enjoy the ride.

Holiday Cheer

I got a call from the WARDEN this afternoon from Ohare. Here are the topics:
1. Her flight was delayed.
2. Could she have a pass to the Admiral's Club at Ohare.
Conversation.
TW: Hello, it's your Mother.
ME: I saw your number come up on my phone. Who else would be calling me with a 630 area code?
TW: Merry Christmas Smart Ass. My flight is delayed, some nonsense about fog.
ME: I told you to take an earlier floight. If you leave Chicago after 3 you get a royal ass jam everytime.
TW: Language!!!!
ME: You're right what I should've said was: Unless you leave Ohare before 3, you never get out on time.
TW: When did you get so smart?
ME: Years of practice.
TW: Fine. The reason why I'm calling is: Can you call the Admiral's Club and tell them to let me in under your number?
ME: NO. I told you take an earlier flight-suffer and mingle with the common folk at OHARE.
TW: That is absurd. You're just like your FATHER! And just like your FATHER you're going to go to hell one day.
ME: Yeah OK. You've been saying that for 25 years. You really should get some new material. I will be there to pick you up when you land. (I quickly hung up the phone.)
* The conversation ended with some gibberish about manners and the Grinch.
If this any indicator of what's to come it should be a most MAGICAL CHRISTMAS.
NOTE: Before you call me an asshole or the Grinch, you can make damn sure she would have done the same thing to me. She would've chewed my ass nine ways to Sunday about making her wait at Ohare. Or even better she would have told me to call 773-848-1000 and jammed me with the bill.
THINK BEFORE YOU JUDGE!!!!

Why can't this wait a week?

As I was crossing Lexington this morning on my way into Duke & Duke, I saw this.  Snow chains on an MTA bus.  Not a good sign.  I have 1000 things to do today and I have to go to Connecticut with LIBBY to have lunch with a client-I'd rather eat paste.  Why can't this weather hold off till say next Friday when the WARDEN's broom is due in at LGA?  Say around 6:45?  That would be the best Christmas gift of all.  Well that and the new Cobra Driver for my golf bag.

Gettin' the Led Out PRICELESS

I never thought I'd see the day, Led Zeppelin reunited to play a benefit show in London.  They preformed a full 2 hour set-SWEET.  Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, and Jason Bonham came out guns blazin' with a blues infused set that rocked the house.  The thought of a Zeppelin reunion tour coming stateside sends shivers down my spine.  When I was a wee rocker MR.CHUCK would tell tales of seeing Zeppelin at the Uptown Theater in the 70's.  MR.CHUCK has rocked with the best of them over the years, but the Zeppelin stories are my favorite.  He claims that they were so loud he thought his ears were gonna bleed and that Plant is a better front man than Jagger.  That's the "burner" in him right there.  We went to go see Plant/Page in  1995.  It was good, but it was no Led Zeppelin-it was a complete tease.  I wanted to hear the whole crew rock "Over the Hills and far Away" not just two of them.   MR. CHUCK left the show bitter.  He called both Plant and Page sellouts and hacks.  He continued his rant by saying it's a sad day when rockers rock for cash.  I called MR.CHUCK this morning to ask if he'd seen the review in the Times.  It went a little something like this:
ME:  Dude, did you see the article in the Times this morning?
MC:  Hell yes I saw it.  I almost spit coffee all over your Mother.
ME:  I wish I could've seen that.
MC:  She looked worried for a split second.
ME:  Good work.  Way to make her sweat before she leaves for work.
MC:  All in a days work.
ME:  So if they tour are we gonna go?
MC:  You bet KIDDO we are there and FYI we're going solo-without your MOTHER.  She can stay home and watch the dog.  Don't tell her anything.  Like when we went to go see Lou Reed.  Remember?
ME:  Yeah, I remember how pissed she was.
MC:   She needs to mind her own business.
ME:  I hate to say it, BUT IT IS HER BUSINESS.  I AM HER KID.  I can't believe I just said that.
MC:  What's wrong with you?  I raised you, not her.  While she was off doing God knows what-we were at home rockin' out.  Without me you'd be listening to complete shit.  Gotta go the WARDEN is coming back into the kitchen.  Later.
I'm convinced I have the weirdest parents on the planet. 

Finally, my prayers haver been answered.

Remember when I posted this?   Well good news DA BEARS have finally listened.   Yeah that's right folks KYLE ORTON  is going to be the starting QB on Monday night against the Vikings.  One question.  Why did it take so long? 
I like the kid.  I liked him when he was at Purdue.  The kid has some real skillz.  Similar to Drew Brees, Orton has the ability to throw for 500 yds in a game.  He may throw 5 picks, but at least he has the arm strength to throw 500 yds.  With DA BEARS sitting in the shitter of the NFC North, this is the right decision.  Neither Rex Grossman or Brian Griese could get the job done. Under their expert skills the only bowl DA BEARS are going to is the "Toilet Bowl".
People forget that ORTON was the starting QB in 2005 when Rex was hurt and that he did a good job-he took them to the playoffs.  Hopefully the organization will realize the potential that Orton has and groom him to be a starter or they will use him as trade bait to get a higher draft pick.  BRING ON COLT BRENNAN.
The number one reason why I like ORTON, IS THE MAN LIKES TO PARTY.  Plus, he's got a sweet head of hair and an even sassier beard.  Check out the picture below:
Yeah, that's right.  There's the new starting QB swillin' whiskey out of a bottle.  Beautiful.  With behavior like this ORTON might be my new hero.  Drunk and stupid might be an OK way to go through life.  He could definitely hang with my crew of jackasses in Chicago. 
*When I first saw the picture I thought it was WJMY circa 1995. 

   

Duke & Duke Comes Bearing Gifts....

Duke & Duke has really gone out of their way this year with holiday gifts.  Every year at this time I have to go through some master list and pick out something halfway acceptable to send my clients.  I've been dreading this chore for weeks.  They've been riding my ass like Zorro over this via email.  It's an unbelievable pain in the ass.  Of course everything has the D&D logo on it.  I can't get a tape dispenser, but they'll spend the money to brand all their crap.  Whatever.  Yesterday, I resolved myself to this chore.  I came in fully prepared for shitty choices-I was surprised.  Finally, an acceptable gift has been offered -FLASKS.
If you aren't a client of mine and would like one of these BAD OSCARS I've ordered extras.  Some of which are already spoken for.  FISCH, SKIRT, JR-don't worry your's have been set aside.
*I don't think the Duke and Duke flasks have a skull and crossbones, but I'm pretty sure their pretentious logo is on it.  Enjoy, HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM D&D!

Tasteless...

One of my biggest gripes with the holidays is with the morons who insist on putting Jesus out in their nativity scene before Christmas.  Animals.  I'm not the only one who finds this disturbing.  WJMY is with me on this gripe.  Baby Jesus being put out early is up there with his other favorite thing to bitch about, not being able to buy beer before NOON in Chicago.  The man doesn't give a shit about anything, but those two issues work his last nerve.
One year WJMY decided to take matters into his own hands and educate the GODLESS FUCKS of Oak Park and River Forest.  It had to be Christmas of '94.  I was home from school and well he was still living with his folks, attending the local JUCO.  It's a miracle he doesn't still live there. That particular Christmas WJMY removed all the Baby Jesuses he could lay his hands on.  In all he collected about 50 of them in three hours.  I tagged along for the ride just to see if he would really do it-he did.  Plus, it was either drink Boone's Farm in Slurpies, smoke dope, and listen to him rant or wrap Christmas presents with the WARDEN-we all know the choice I made. 
Collecting the goods wasn't the difficult part.  The difficult part was what to do with them once we had them.   Clearly they couldn't go back to my house.  NO WAY THE WARDEN WOULD'VE SHIT A BRICK.  WJMY made the executive decision to take them back to his house and put them in his closet.  WJMY had a huge walk in closet with tons of shelves.  In our somewhat altered state we thought it would be funny to pose the Jesuses in such a way that when you opened the door and stepped in they would be looking at you.  Fast forward to the end of my winter break I'm sitting in his basement with him watching a bowl game, chillin' out, and listening to him whine about some girl.  From three floors above we hear his mother yell "SWEET JESUS!  JAMES WALTER YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL FOR SURE NOW!  WHERE DID YOU GET ALL OF THESE FROM?"-WJMY looks at me and simply says "Mission accomplished I always wanted to go to hell."  It is by far one of my favorite Christmas memories.  I called him yesterday to tell him that baby Jesus was out early in Brooklyn.  All he said was "GODLESS FUCKS!  You need to teach them a lesson and take matters into your own hands."  True story story kids.
*FYI..www.catholicsupply.com has some good shit.

This Is Bullshit...

I know I said I wouldn't rant until January, but this is bullshit.  Tim Tebow the hillbilly phenomena from Florida won the Heisman Trophy last night, while my man crush Colt Brennan didn't.  NONSENSE! Colt has better numbers and his team is undefeated.  Hawaii is going to a BCS bowl-which is more than I can say for Florida.  Brennan threw for 1000 more yards than Tebow.  Yeah that's right 1000 more yards.  Brennan's numbers were down from last year, but 4100 yards and 38 TD's still makes him a force to be reckoned with.
I guess if you're a college football player and you don't play in one of the major confrences, you can kiss any shot of being recognized goodbye.  That's really too bad.  There's a lot of really good players out there who don't play for premier D-1 programs.  I hope Colt Brennan and Hawaii kick the living shit out of Georgia in the Sugar Bowl.
*Really what I want is for the BEARS to draft him and the QB issue in Chicago will finally be resolved.

   

Santa has a tumor the size of an olive.....

Now, this is what I'm talking about.  No holiday is complete without "The Santaland Diaries".  I remember hearing David Sedaris read his account of working as an elf in Macy's "Santaland" on NPR and nearly crashing my car on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.  I was laughing so hard the tears were running down my cheek.  If you haven't read it go pick up a copy of "Holidays on Ice" it has this and a couple of other holiday stories that will make you laugh till you can't see.
*As for the show I'm gonna try to go check it out on Sunday afternoon.  If you wanna go shoot me an email and I'll get you a ticket.

Now that's entertainment!

Monday I had a chance to catch Peter Bogdanovich's   documentary on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Runnin' Down A Dream".  I'm a big Tom Petty fan.  This is probably one of the best documentaries I've ever seen on him.  It covers his entire career over the last 30 years-I forgot how good his back catalog is.  Tons of concert footage from over the years, interviews with the band, producers, and Stevie Nicks.  It was cool because it wasn't all just Heartbreakers.  Petty's solo career and his work with Traveling Wilburys are also covered in this gem.  If you get a chance check it out.  I think my favorite part of the whole thing was when Stevie Nicks was being interviewed and said she wanted to be a member of the Heartbreakers.  Petty's response, that's great, but there are no girls in the band.  I'm with Stevie, I want to be a Heartbreaker too.
*Check it out on Sundance channel all month.

Heat would be nice

Who do I have to call for some heat?  Duke & Duke refuses to turn the heat on.  I know D&D are a bunch of cheap fucks, but this is nonsense.  Everyday I freeze.  I'm from the Midwest, I don't get cold.  I can stand in a blizzard with a t-shirt on. 
It's gotten so bad that I have to wear a sweater like my man Fred Rogers.  I get to the office, I hang up my coat, and I put my sweater on like a geriatric.  The only thing I don't do is change my shows and play with puppets.  I'm not the only one who is cold.  Jimbo and Coco also sport my look.  We look like a pack of senior citizens waiting for the buffet to open. 
I finally called yesterday to see what the deal was.  Some dude in a jumpsuit from the building showed up with what appeared to be some type of prober.  Jimbo looked scared.  All this guy did was wave the prober in the air and announce that the temp in our office is 72 degrees.  72 degrees, where?  Under the fluorescent bulbs we sit under?  I hate this place.